The DietChef Thing: Day 3

This is the kind of day when slips happen. The "I'm being a good girl, I'm starting the thing that will lead to a new me" glow is fading, something stressful happens, apart from that nothing much is going on, the aching, empty void inside starts getting annoying and you think oh, to hell with this, why am I doing this, I've only got one life for freak's sake! Then the temptation to either slip up or chuck the whole thing gets very strong. Did I give in, this early in the journey? I'm just in the mood to tell you.

I woke up absolutely ready to eat an elephant between two matresses. Thoughts of huge piles of buttered pancakes, swimming in maple syrup, of enormous full English breakfasts and, most insidious of all, of the bowl of Cocoa Pops and the little bottle of Actimel I could so easily have if I wanted them haunted my mind's eye. The thought of a bowl of bird food doused in fungal milk, and a cup of coffee without cream and with fake sweetener, appealed about as much as a five mile run in my birthday suit accompanied by Katie Hopkins. Now there's someone for you non British to Google, oh, aren't you in for a treat! Enough, hunger makes me acidic, let's get on with it.

Karen's back today, my treasure she is, and the person who makes having to have someone help me do the morning's personal routine bearable. So we go through the agenda and she also helps sort out my food for the day, telling me what she's picking and clarrifying instructions on anything I'm not sure of. The smell of strong, dark roast coffee is making my mouth water. I'm just terrified it's not going to taste as good as it smells. Finally I'm installed in my sofa corner and the all important bowl is placed in my hands. Luxury muisli this morning with the usual 100g plain, no fat yogurt. What is the difference between Muisli and Granola? Is it just wordplay? Let's see.

First bite. Bird food, I think, tasteless. But as I go on eating it improves. We have nice crisp oat flakes and other things, not sure what, nuts definitely, and dried fruit which I don't usually like, but it's needed to provide some sweetness and moistness. I'm pretty sure we also have seeds in here. It sits well with the yogurt which doesn't taste nearly so sharp today. Wish I could have some berries on top, then it would really be perfect, but I don't have the spare calories. Still I finish the bowl and scrape it very thoroughly, I'd def eat that again!

OK, the coffee. Oh dear oh dear oh dear! One sip is enough. I can't drink that, it's disgusting beyond belief, and it's not noble husband's fault, it's the revolting swetener which has now emigrated to start a brand new, full and glorious life in trash can land, and the best of luck to it! We have one more thing we can try. Tomorrow I will try it completely black and sugarless. I know many people who couldn't drink it any other way. If I can't drink it that way, then I will have to give it up for the duration, which will be an awful privation for me, but hey, you have to do what you have to do. Meanwhile this morning, noble husband makes me a cup of his matchless Earl Grey tea, which I always take straight up, no sugar or milk, so all is as well as it can be.

Well the morning proceeds, I am pleasantly surprised at how not particularly hungry I am. See, told you we could do this, smugs Lady willpower smugly to L. You wait, huffs L back huffily. You just wait till later, that's all! I've done this gig before when you were nowhere in sight, I know this old broad better than you do! Lady Willpower thinks she'd better shut up, and does.

Cross my heart! It's lunchtime already! What have we here? Spicy beef and tomato soup in one of those microwavable pouches. Now what was it Karen said? Make a tear in both sides of the ... or was it one side ... Then heat, then tear the top and stir, then heat ... oh yes, I see myself standing around to do all that, and I just need to lurch at the wrong moment and hit it and that open pouch will fall over. Ok, we'll do it in a pan on the hob. We do, little milk pan does fine, my bone imps tell me loudly and vociferously that they hate me and everything about me and please could I stop moving about! I tell them, loudly and vociferously, to shut the hell up and anyway the soup is done now, I just catch it before it boils over, phew that was close. I serve it in one of my corell rice bowls, they're perfect for soup, I can carry it to the sofa to eat, much better for me than sitting to the table.

First bite: Nom! This is good, hearty soup, the spice has a reasonable kick, not too hot, at least not for me, it's no good for those who like spices mild though, it does have a serious bite. Lovely juicy tomato, well seasoned, lean ground beef and not overcooked either like I was afraid of. Chunks of carrot and potato, a really nicely seasoned broth, delicious.

We head into the afternoon and this is where we hit our first big problem. I'd read in my research that people hadn't found the soups filling. When I'd eaten mine I thought that was mad, because after eating my soup I'd felt full, but it didn't stay with me. By about two-thirty I'm ravenous. I can't honestly say I think of slipping, of eating turtles or digging into my graze box, that doesn't happen, I just kind of get a grey, bleak feeling. You know, the kind you get when Christmas is over, all the treats have gone, there's nothing to look forward to but three months of winter and a pile of credit card bills. That's the kind of feeling I have. Then a stressfulness happens and, once I have that sorted out I feel even worse. The insidious little voice in my head, well, the L voice, says: look, why are you putting yourself through this? You hardly go out, you can't travel now, you don't hardly see anyone or do anything, about the only pleasure you have is food. Now you've even deprived yourself of that, I mean come on already! Oh, I know that trick, my mind has played it so often and how eagerly I've listened to it. This time Lady Willpower starts singing her version of Verdi operatic arias, very loud, and L runs away in fright. Lady Willpower has a voice worse than Florrence Foster Jenkins, let me tell you!

Well, time goes on, it's half an hour till dinner for me, I keep my meals to a strict time schedule so I know what I'm doing when. Noble husband's dinner arrives and it's pizza, it smells divine! I want it. Even one tiny bite would be enough. I want it so bad my fingers tingle. L wants it. I think even Lady Willpower wants a bit. I know he'd give me a bite if I asked him. But I don't ask. I play a loud computer game, grit my teeth and tough it. That has been my worst moment so far and I got past it. I am, just a teeny bit, proud of myself.

Dinner time is finally here. We have tuna pasta bake tonight, with the last serving of lightly steamed spring greens. About four minutes till I sit to the table, but my back is giving me hell because of having to stand so long to make lunch. Just ouches. I don't like the smell of this, it smells like the stuff I used to make when I was first married, you know, that tuna surprise where you stick everything in the pot and add water. Counting pennies food.

First bite. My counting pennies food tasted better than this. To be fair, it's edible, but that's the best you can say. There's a juicy tomato sauce, nicely seasoned. Why am I going on all the time about seasoning, you may ask? Because I passionately believe that if you have to add salt and pepper at the table, then the cook has failed at his or her job. A well cooked dish should not need extra seasoning. Back to this food. The pasta is overdone to the point of mushiness, worse than the one I had on my first night. The tuna has been flaked too small and is now stringy and tasteless. There are supposed to be vegetables in here, all I find are a few pieces of sweetcorn. Really, if it wasn't for the tomato sauce, which really was good, I couldn't have even got this down. Thank heavens for the crunchy tender greens which were a nice foil to this mushy plate of also ran food. And the bad news is that, because I'm a fan of tuna, I have quite a few of these to come. Blech!

Well, we go on with our evening. It might not have been particularly tasty but it filled that empty void, I'm late in having my snack, it's nearly ten before I get it. Sweet popcorn again, just as good as last night, so you'll be glad to hear no detailed analysis of that is needed.

So, how am I feeling? As I say, I got over a pretty big hurdle. There might be more, but that was a pretty huge one. The greyness has gone and I'm feeling peaceful. I'm kind of peckish, but nowhere near as hungry as I was this time last night. That's a good sign. I think we'll call this day good enough for jazz and see what tomorrow brings.

Food eaten today.

Breakfast: Luxury Muisli with 100g plain, no fat yogurt.

Lunch: spicy beef and tomato soup.

Dinner: Tuna pasta bake.

Snack: Slightly sweetened popcorn.

Drinks: tea, no milk or sugar.

Bad? nope.

Are you hungry? Peckish, not too bad.

Mood: Peaceful.

Music: Wendy Moton: Come in Out of the Rain.