The DietChef Thing: Day 5.

Hey. I know people read this, much as it amazes me, so, hope you've had a good day. Today I had my first serious melt down and it made me feel pretty shitty, if you want the truth, not proud of myself at all. No, I haven't given into temptation, but all the same, today was definitely a C minus, could do better.

Well, I started badly, got to bed late last night because I stayed up listening to some new albums I've got, which was dumb to begin with. When I wake up I feel tired and achy and, more ominously, tight around the eyes. Migraine on the way sure as eggs is eggs. Noble husband helps me through the morning routine and we pick out today's food, it all looks very promising. The coffee smells amazing and I advise husband not to fill my mug full, as I don't seem to be able to drink a whole mug of this unadulterated brew. In very short order I'm comfortably ensconed, as the ladies of letters would say, in my sofa corner and tucking into my breakfast of Pecan Treacle Granola, mixed with my usual measure of plain, no fat yogurt.

First bite: yum! This is so good, I mean really really good! I love pecans, they're a bit small but there are plenty of pieces. The granola is crunchy and it's sweet but not too sweet, it's so goood. Wish there was more of it, but you can't have everything. It marries beautifully with the yogurt. I nearly scrape the inside off the bowl trying to get every last crumb and drop. Now for the coffee. Better than yesterday. I'm getting used to no sugar slowly, By sipping little by little I get through the whole half a mug and I'm pleased.

Sunday is our day for making a video to upload to my Youtube channel. I have the script all written and noble husband is all ready to help me, we usually enjoy this weekly time of sharing a project, but I'm listless, lethargic and aching and I just don't feel up to it. Soon after breakfast the feeling of malaise gets too much and I head back to bed where, eventually, I sleep. Oh well, at least I'm not feeling hungry.

My husband gently wakens me at one O'clock. One thing you don't do on this gig is skip meals. I open my eyes, thinking I'll get bombarded with pain. I don't. Wow, that's a relief. I'm feeling better, sleep was obviously all I needed. I'm still tired but I get up and head into the main room to see about lunch. Tomato soup today, I love tomato soup. In fact, I always prefer a smoothe soup to soup with bits in it, so we should have no problems with this one. Heat it in my little pan as normal, it's ok, vertigo is bad today, we'll ignore it.

First bite: yum again, I'm on a roll today! Delicious, juicy tomato flavour, perfect seasoning, not too acidic and it's even creamy! Ok, it's not like Heinz but it will do, it will do very well indeed, definitely ordering more of this!

Lazy afternoon. I while it away with computer games, writing to my dear friend in the States and a radio play or two. The big, empty afternoon hole opens up but, is it my imagination, it's not as big as yesterday. Perhaps because I'm not well today, or perhaps my stomach is actually beginning to get used to the smaller portions at long last. By about five O'clock though it is pretty big and horribly empty and I'm longing for dinner time. That's when the pizza arrives. The pizza that my husband is having for his dinner.

I really need to explain what happened here before anyone thinks I'm a total whimp, even though I think I was. I love food, all kinds, I'm a horrible snacker, love chips and candy and chocolate and all the junk that has made me the size I am. But I've always really adored pizza. I think it was the first non-english food I ever ate and I always adored it. The smell of baking bread dough, oregano, tomato sauce and cheese used to make my mouth water. Even those horrible frozen ones, which were all you could get in the 70's, I'd devour them. When the pizza chains opened I'd save up to be able to order one when I was at my brokest. So to me, pizza isn't something we eat because it's quick and convenient, if somewhat pricy, to me it's always a treat, even if it's only dominos or whatever. I know there's chocolate right over there in that fridge, I could go get it right this minute and I'm not even remotely tempted. But when that Dominos box came in ... Well, I'll tell you what happened.

I'm absorbed in a really good sci fi radio play and I don't even hear the door buzzer go, so I have no idea of what is about to assail my senses. I am sitting here, all my mind absorbed in what is being fed in through my ears, periferally aware of the fact that I am hungry, really hungry as a matter of fact. Now you come to mention it, amazingly, terificly hungry. I'm starving, really starving. I press some keys on my computer to see the time. Three quarters of an hour till I can have dinner, hell! I'm so freaking starving! What is that smell? Never mind, the computer pirates are trying to tap into this woman's brain, is she going to survive, and is the other woman going to fall in love with this cyborg, and are they going to try and kidnap her little boy back? But I'm so starving, and what is. That. Smell? It's pizza. Why can I smell pizza! Oh God, it smells incredible! Hot, fresh baked bread and meltedy cheese, just the right amount of sauce, salty ham, I can smell it! I want it! I. Want. It. So. Bad!

My concentration puts up its fists and tries to fight with my hunger but is quickly overborn and flattened. I sit there, the play still playing in my headphones, swamped with the most awful feeling of total self-pity, a new character joins my cast of internal voices, and she's the one I like least. Think moaning myrtle and then some. She is totally the worst part of me, totally pathetic, always feeling sorry for herself. When will we be able to get off this treadmill and eat our favorite things again, asks whining Winnie, wiping her puffy red eyes. My own eyes begin to fill with tears in sympathy, much to my horror. Don't you dare cry, I tell myself sternly, you know husband always knows, however quiet you try to be, and all you'll do is make him feel terrible. It as no good though, especially as he says something to me at that moment. Boohoo! Not a huge one, but enough. I feel furious with myself.

I really do have the best husband in the world. Instead of telling me to grow up, which Lady Willpower is telling everyone else in here to do, he comforts me with infinite patience and gentleness and we work out a plan whereby we'll eat at the same time, so even if I do smell pizza I'll be making my own food so won't get so drawn to it. Still, as I wait for the twenty long minutes before dinnertime to pass, I give myself a stern lecture and go on feeling pretty furious. I know we can't always control how we feel, but all that little exercise achieved was possibly making my husband feel bad, when he has absolutely no need to.

Dinnertime at last! Tonight, Chicken Korma. Now here's an awkwardness, I could have a small amount of rice with this, but how small? It might say in the dietary guide which came with the box, but that's in print which, obviously, I can't read. I have sent DietChef a lengthy Email asking if they have this guide in an electronic format which I could read, and also concerning my next order, which I would like to be able to Email or phone through to them. I really don't want to go through that editing meals thing again, even supposing I can get back into it, which I couldn't before. Anyway, about the rice. I have decided to play safe and do without it, just have my usual serving of greens. I microwave the bag of greens, then the tray of curry and am sitting to table in five minutes. There's a lot of sauce, oh dear, maybe I should have tried some noodles or a little pasta or something to soak this up.

First bite. This is good. The chicken is a bit well done, but in these kind of things it always is, it's not as bad as it was last night. The sauce is delicious, delicately spiced and really creamy. It isn't till I've scooped as much of it as I can up with the yummy greens, so glad I like them so well, that I find the problem, the small, round, green problems that seem to be cropping up all too regularly: peas! There's loads of sauce that I would love to get a spoon and just spoon up. But I can't, it's full, and I mean full of peas, can't do an extraction job on it, there are just too many. Although it hurts, I have to scrape my plate into the trash can. I hate wasting food at the best of times, and when it's part of my daily allowance it bites, it really really bites!

Well, the evening unfolds, I'm nowhere near as hungry as I thought I'd be. I'm still beating myself up because of earlier, but this too shall pass. At nine O'clock I have my final cup of tea and my snack, a packet of chips/crisps today, or rather cheese and red onion soya snacks, I had them on day 1, they're so good! Then I opened up this document and began my evening letter to you!

So tomorrow is Monday and we begin another week. It's been lovely having my husband on vacation and it's helped enormously having him around to support me through these first few days of new routine for me. Now let's see how well I manage when he has to go away days and I have to make myself eat, rather than just skipping meals like I used to and just subsisting on candy or chips.

It's been five days now, that isn't long, but I can feel things changing. If you've lived with an annoying health condition like chronic Migraine and weak bones for thirty years you get to know your body's internal workings, sometimes you wish you didn't. You get to know how it feels, every little twinge, creek and gurgle, because you're always on the lookout for things that might trigger trouble. So I know that things are changing. Obviously my digestion's better because I'm eating a healthy balanced diet, I sure wasn't before. My skin is starting to feel less dry because I'm drinking a lot. My sinuses don't feel as infected, I'm not claiming any miracle cures here, all I'm saying is that I can feel small shifts, like shifting of the earth before things start to grow. Will anything really change, I don't know, we'll have to see. Small changes in my body are one thing, the one change I really want to see are pounds or inches of excess flesh coming off, and that will only come with time. But one change I definitely want to happen, and that I can bring about all on my own and I'm damn well going to see that I do. I don't ever, ever, ever want to cry again because someone has pizza and I don't. I'm better than that usually, and it isn't going to happen again.

Goodnight everyone.

Food eaten today.

Breakfast: Pecan Treacle Granola, 100g plain, no fat yogurt, black coffee.

Lunch: Creamy Tomato Soup.

Dinner: Chicken Korma, serving of microwaved sliced spring greens.

Snack: Cheese and Red Onion Soya Snacks.

Drinks: Tea, no milk or sugar.

Bad? no.

Are you hungry? Only a teeny, tiny bit.

Mood: Angry with myself and determined to do better.

Music: Sister Hazel: Change Your Mind.