The DietChef Thing: Day 4.

Have you ever heard the great radio drama serial Earthsearch? There's a bit in that where the two evil computers are brainwashing the four members of the spaceship crew, never mind why for the moment, and they're saying over and over, "You are normal, normal, normal, normal!" That's kind of how today feels. It's stopped being a big new thing now, it has started to become routine, it's started to become normal. That's not to say it's easy. I think, as it's getting to be normal, the temptation to slip is stronger and the willpower to stay strong and be good will have a tendency to go to sleep, even if it's just for a moment or two. It happened today and it gave me a shock. Did I give in? Well, just read on and I'll tell all.

I woke up this morning, my word, this is getting to sound more like an old blues number every day, sorry, lost focus there, anyway, woke up this morning not feeling ravenous, thank heavens, Just the normal, I want my breakfast, hungriness. That we can deal with. It's the weekend, so noble husband helps me through the early routine, which includes sorting out food for the day. Seriously I thank heaven for technology. Without screenreader and scanner I would never be able to do this. We get all food sorted and all pertinent instructions read without needing sighted help, that's so freing. Chocolate Granola again for brekky, oh gosh! But it's been picked from the breakfast bag and it has to be eaten. I mix it with the usual measure of plain no fat yogurt. Getting the hang of this we are now, my precious! The coffee smells amazing, gosh, I hope I can drink it.

First tbite. I'm amazed. This is good. Why in the name of neptune did I have a problem with it last time? Shock I shouldn't wonder. Before I know it, it's all gone and I scrape the bowl of every last crumb. Noble husband is astonished when he gets handed the empty bowl! Now for the coffee. Inky black, sugarless and strong as Tyson Fury! I take a tiny and cautious sip. Twice bitten, thrice run away screaming! An immense whoosh of relief washes over me. I can drink it. It's dark, bitter, astringent, refreshing and infinitely doable. Of course it would be much nicer with some sugar, but I can get used to it, like I got used to tea without sugar. Now I couldn't think of polluting noble husband's wonderful Earl Grey with sugar, bleh! I manage a little over half the mug, which is a huge, huge improvement, and because it's unpolluted by fake anything, husband gets to finish the rest, he loves his coffee if it hasn't been wrecked.

It's a franticly busy morning, like Saturdays always are, I have a lot of work to do and before I know where I am it's lunchtime. I really haven't had time to think about my stomach, so I guess I can't have been hungry, not so's you'd notice. For lunch there is chunky vegetable soup. Again I heat it in my little pan, my bones all protest loudly and even threaten to call a union meeting, but I ignore them, I've heard this before and so many times!

First bite: Delicious, I mean seriously! A really hearty broth, thickened with lentils, contains lovely chunky vegetables, carrots, onions, potatoes and, er, oh gosh, peas. No problems, a handy paper napkin and some dexterous extraction and they're no longer a threat. Sorry to bang on about this again, but a teeny bit more salt would have been nice. But it really was great soup and I'll be reordering lots.

So, the afternoon sets in, the work tales off, I'm writing a script and in between chewing my virtual pen and trying to think what comes next, I'm feeling a big, deep, growly hole open in my stomach. I'm really surprised, that soup was so filling. Afternoon is definitely my dangerous time. Luckily I really do have to get this done so fingers stay on computer and thoughts on what I'm doing, but I don't like this nasty hole that opens up in me in the afternoon, and there really isn't anything I can do about it. I'm not moving my snack because I want that to look forward to late evening, I need it or I'm never going to do this.

Thank goodness, it's dinner time! Tonight, Paella! I love Paella, cooked well it's heaven, cooked badly .. we won't go there. I don't have great hopes for this but I have to try. I microwave a bag of ready prepared cauliflower and broccoli florets. When they're done I decant them into a serving dish. They don't smell nice, I wrinkle my nose. I take two big cauliflower florets and three smaller ones of broccoli, cut them up small, sprinkle with seasoning and put into a deep noodle bowl. When the paella's ready I stir it in with the broccoli. I've been standing a good five or six minutes and it's too long. The floor is sloping downwards to the right and pitching as if I'm on a ship, a kind of vertigo that hangs around whether I have a Migraine or not. I'm aching all over, lurching about, trying to keep my feet and terrified of dropping my dinner on the floor. I'm also determined not to ask my busy husband to help me, which he would like a shot, he does enough for me every day. I'm also furious and frustrated with myself that I can't even stand up for six freaking minutes. I can't let myself fall into this hole, I've fallen in before and it goes very very very deep. I pull myself back out with a huge effort, take my bowl to the sofa and sit down. Nice not to have to sit to table for this one.

First bite: Hmm. It's not bad, but I've ruined it with the vegetables. If I'd been able to have a nice salad with it that would have been perfect. The cauliflower and broccoli florets are undercooked, though I followed the instructions to the letter, and I won't be getting those again. Yukk! The paella is dry but tastes quite nice. The rice is woefully overcooked, but I'm beginning to expect this. There's a nice amount of mild spice though, nicely seasoned. I'm supposed to have chicken, tuna and choorizzo in here. I taste tuna, very small flakes again, why don't they keep the pieces larger then it wouldn't get so bitty. The chicken is in large chunks but again, very overcooked. I don't find any Chorizzo. I think I'd get it again, I want to see what it's like when I don't ruin it! I need to drink a gallon of water afterwards though, it's as dry as the sahara. I have enough cauliflower and broccoli left to last several days, but I'm afraid it goes to join the arteficial sweetener in my newly founded colony of unwanted dietary things in trash can land! I do hope it's happy there! Disgusting! I'm so glad I thought to get some more of those lovely sliced spring greens or I'd be well messed up for vegetables for the next few days.

Well the evening sets in. Noble husband has his radio show this evening, it's always a lovely time of the week for me. I settle down with him and my jewel matching game. My mind is coasting along in that way it does when you're really relaxed and in the zone, game wise. And that's when I imagine myself going to the fridge and seeing what's in the candy box that lives on a shelf almost too high for me to reach. Yes, there is still candy in this place, I'm not the only one who lives here.

It might sound silly, but I got such a shock. You know when you're doing this weight loss thing, if you're considering slipping, you consider it don't you, you hold a dialogue with yourself, like I've been writing about, you at least think whether or not you ought to. But I'd just had that: I need food, let's go get chocolate! Thought, and if I hadn't caught myself, I'd have been opening that MilkieBar before I'd have known where I was. It might sound obsessive to say I'll have to watch my mental attitude more, but really it isn't. My mind is what's going to win or lose this for me. The fact is I'm going to be hungry. I think I'm going to be hungry most days. If I can be strong minded enough not to give into the temptation to eat what I shouldn't, then I'll get through this. If I let myself get lax and listen to all the arguments I've made to myself before, ones such as I've put down here in previous days, then I'll be back at square one and considerably poorer with nothing to show for it.

Anyway, I didn't eat any chocolate. It got to be nine O'clock and popcorn time, sweet again. I'm going to be bereft when I get through all these, it's such a nice big portion, but I'm still hungry. Why is it getting worse not better?

It's been a bit harder today I have to admit, but it's ok. I'm achy as well, which isn't helping. It's only four days, I'm still acclimatising. But, there is something good, very good. Four whole days and no cheating, not none, not nuffink. That's something I can be proud of, it's just absolutely unheard-of, I'm not kidding. Let's see if we can stretch it to five shall we. Nighty nightlingtons.

Food eaten today.

Breakfast: Chocolate granola with 100g plain, no fat yogurt. Black coffee.

Lunch: Chunky Vegetable Soup.

Dinner: Paella, serving of microwaved cauliflower and broccoli florets.

Snack: Slightly sweetened popcorn.

Drinks: tea, no milk or sugar.

Bad? no.

Are you hungry? A bit.

Mood: Ok.

Music: Lily Allen, Chinese.

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