Vanessa.

I count myself very blessed these days in my friends. I have a tight little circle of close ones, and a wide, looser web of people I know from social media who put up with my stream of ramblings, reactionary rantings, witlessness and what passes for pink bear wisdom with varying digrees of equanimity. There are three things I think have to go into any kind of real friendship. Loyalty, that's a given. Any digree of two facedness or back biting, not standing up when the chips are down and there are no second chances. If I can't trust you when I need you the most I'll never be able to trust you, and of course it goes without saying, vice versa. The other two things are give and take. That means that in a friendship you put in as well as taking out. Sometimes the balance shifts, sometimes it dramatically shifts and I'm happy to listen to you crying on the phone all night, or stay with you on Facetime all the weekend long if you need me to, but if there comes a time when I need you to stay twenty minutes with me because I just have to tell you something, it's not ok to run off and leave me feeling like I have nowhere to turn. I've experienced that and believe me, it sucks worse than a clogged up hoover!

I was thinking about this all too common problem when I came across a little known gem of a song by the British cabaret duo Flanders and Swann. I'll reproduce the lyric for you here, you might be able to find the actual recording on Youtube. I found the lyric's dry wit gave me a wry chuckle, but like many funny songs, it had a serious point to make. My word, I wish I'd written this.

I suffer in silence more than most, I suppose I'm made that way.
But there comes a time when it's talk or burst! That time has come today.
The most ghastly crisis of my whole life, I don't want to be a bore
But it's time for chums to rally round, I mean that's what chums are for.
I said to myself what can I do, I can't face this thing alone!
I don't dare leave the house of course, but thank God there's the phone.
So I've spent today giving all my friends a ring,
And tonight I'm facing one more quite appalling thing!

Nobody wants to hear about Vanessa, and the terrible thing Vanessa's done to me.
I rang up good old Arthur before it got me down,
But his Mother, Mrs Hapsburg, told me Arthur's out of town.
She obviously thought I was only trying to impress her
When I said I needed Arthur right away.
She didn't really seem to want to hear about Vanessa
And the vitally urgent thing I have to say.

Nobody wants to hear about Vanessa,
And the hideous mess Vanessa's got me in!
I got through to the Harts, they were nice as they could be,
But Celia explained they'd got the bishop there to tea.
Sidney couldn't have been more toujours la politessa,
But he said he had to go out and hadn't shaved.
And there wasn't time to stay and hear me talk about Vanessa
And the quite fantastic way that she's behaved!

I rang up Ethel Seal in the middle of a meal,
She said I'll ring you back, I know she won't!
Virginia's gone to Cans with that rather awful man,
God knows what she sees in him, I don't!
Henry wouldn't hear a word, He'd got something on the third,
Then I got through to the gas board by mistake.
While Lucienne I think must have had too much to drink.
She kept mumbling on about go and yump in a lake!

Maybe she's been overworking lately, anyway

None of them wanted to hear about Vanessa,
And the unforgiveable treatment I've received.
Sandy isn't on the phone, now that goes for Angus too,
Colin Wilson has had his cut off, the best thing he could do!
I didn't want to unburden myself to Janet, Bless her,
It just isn't the sort of thing I'd discuss with Swann,
So I couldn't find a soul to hear me talk about Vanessa
And the quite impossible way that she's gone on!

Nobody wants to hear about Vanessa,
And the indescribably awful thing she's done.
I rang up Elizabeth Arley, and every time I tried,
Somebody lifted the receiver off but nobody replied.
When I think of the times I've acted as Father confessur
When their permutated love lives go astray!
It's hard to find not one of my so-called friends
Wants to hear about my problems today.

Perhaps you'd like to hear about Vanessa!
What she did, and how it's finished me because ...
No, it's obvious that all of you here just couldn't care less about Vanessa
And I'm bothered if I'm going to tell you what it was!

So maybe that wasn't the first time, one gets the inkling, that this was "The most ghastly crisis of his whole life." but among the hyperbole and the chuckles the message remains. Do as you would be done by. May I never forget it. Have a great day. I do wonder what it was that Vanessa did. The world will never know.