Lulu's blog

This is the kind of day when slips happen. The "I'm being a good girl, I'm starting the thing that will lead to a new me" glow is fading, something stressful happens, apart from that nothing much is going on, the aching, empty void inside starts getting annoying and you think oh, to hell with this, why am I doing this, I've only got one life for freak's sake! Then the temptation to either slip up or chuck the whole thing gets very strong. Did I give in, this early in the journey? I'm just in the mood to tell you.

It's time to get serious. Day two, we've got all the stuff, this time we buckle down and do this thing properly. Lady Willpower is in the driving seat and if L doesn't like it, she'll just have to lump it! Well people, after a shaky start I'm here to tell you it hasn't been half as bad as I was expecting, but this is only my first full day. Let's see what I'm like when I'm halfway through the second week and sick to death of healthy food, just longing for chocolate and pizza! Right, this won't get the baby a new hat, let's get on and do this!

Well, day one, only not really. Today we have to wait for the box to arrive, we know it's coming today, only we're not sure what time until we get a text, so it's what I'd call a half and half day. I was half bad, half good today. Here's how it goes.

Ok. So this is day 0. With my increasing health problems and decreasing mobility due to a degenerating bone disease, I finally finally have to get to grips with my weight. I've always accepted my size, I've always carried far too much weight and worn larger size clothes, never envying others their slim figures, but now there's a problem. Clothes that should fit are getting tight. More upsettingly, my rings don't fit anymore, including my wedding set on my left hand. I feel ungainly and horrible and it's time to act.

Introduction.

Last night I had the most vivid dream. I was sitting here in my sofa corner, as I usually do, and the phone rang. I picked it up and a voice said: "Bear?"

Now this is odd for a start, as only my computer friends and my husband call me this nickname of recent years, and this was a voice I didn't really know. Anyway, I answered in the affirmative.

"You don't remember me do you?" asked the lady on the other end of the line.

Once upon a time there was an ordinary man. He worked as a civil servant, he had a wife and two little daughters named Juliet and Rosamund. The only slightly unusual thing about him was that he used to tell stories to his little girls whenever they went anywhere in the car. Sometimes they were stories that everyone knows like Cinderella or Jack and the Beanstalk, but more often they were stories he'd made up, the little girls liked these better, as they were unique and all their own.

I really should know better by this time. I know that there are some wonderful, well-informed blogs out there, and I also know that there are blogs which, if I dare to read them, depress me for days on end and make me want to buy the first available ticket to anywhere that isn't this community. Last night I was stupid enough to read this article. I am the kind of person who tries to find something positive in a day, however tiny, and never to go to bed on a downer if I can help it. Last night I couldn't help it.

When I was a very little girl, about four or five, I had a record of someone, I think it was John Pertwee, singing a version of Big Rock Candy Mountain. Now this song, for anyone who doesn't know, is an old song written about a hobo who is dreaming of the ideal place for hobos who want to lead the ideal life, free food, lots of booze and cigarettes, no work, lots of sleep and easy travel to wherever they want for no money. So how did that song get on a record for five-year-olds you may ask? I'll tell you. It got sanitized. I do wish I still had it.

Sitting here tonight, with the curly blonde head of my constant companion, my 32 inch reborn toddler doll, nestled into my shoulder, it occurs to me that I'm incredibly lucky in many ways, luckier than some people I've heard about or know. I have a husband who is completely supportive of my hobby, I have wonderful and understanding friends, I have a wider circle of friends, mostly on Facebook, who share my love of these one of a kind, life sized, weighted, baby, toddler and child-sized dolls which are all hand-made works of art.